GUNS N ROSES AND A POLYMORTH by Martin [or Emohawk: Polymorth 2 special version] SCENE 1: Model shot. A ship passes by the screen. As it does, we see the letters G N R S C [Guns N Roses Space Cruiser]. SCENE 2: G N R S C Intersection. There are a few amplifiers about and one table. Martin [a space expert], Slash and Duff are seated around a table. They are discussing [we have picked up the centre of the conversation]: MARTIN: ...In space we can go absolutely anywhere, any dimension. SLASH: Yes, but surely it's a bit risky. MARTIN: Why's that? DUFF: Supposing we can't get back to this dimension? MARTIN: Nonsense. This ship can go through any sort of time hole and can come back again. Look, space dimension jumping can be absolutely fun, if you know what you're doing. Trust me. You guys wanted to find out what space was like. DUFF: Yeah, I suppose. MARTIN: Yes. Now relax and wait for an opportunity. SCENE 3: G N R S C Cockpit. There are four seats with four control panels [and no, this does not look like Starbug's cockpit]. If you're looking into it from the door behind, Axl is in the back right seat. Kay and Antonia [Toni, for short] are sitting, looking out. Suddenly, the console in front of Axl starts bleeping. Axl turns. AXL: Hey guys! He turns again. Martin, Slash, and Duff enter. AXL: Look to the portside of you. [To Martin] What is it? MARTIN: It's a Time Hole. DUFF: Is that good? MARTIN: Course it is. If we could pull out now, we can't. AXL: He's right. There's a major power surge from the time hole. It's sucking us in. DUFF: How long before we can get back? MARTIN: Well, what do the readouts say? AXL: It won't reform for another 24 hours. TONI: What can we do in 24 hours? Suddenly, a purple light fills the ship, cue SFX. AXL: What the hell is that?! MARTIN: It's taken control! KAY: [Now frightened] Pull out! MARTIN: We can't! We've lost power! DUFF: Steering! MARTIN: Dead. DUFF: Retroes! MARTIN: Dead. TONI: Anything?! MARTIN: Nothing! The entire panel's dead. DUFF: We're going in. Hang on! All get their heads down on the panels. The girls get down on the ground. SCENE 4: Model shot. G N R S C moving slowly towards the time hole. Suddenly there is a big SFX noise and the ship goes in the blink of an eye. The time hole closes. SCENE 5: Inside The Time Hole. [Model Shot] G N R S C racing through at light speed. SCENE 6: Model Shot The time hole opens. G N R S C flies out, spinning wildly out of control. SCENE 7: STARBUG Sleeping Quarters Red Alert signs flashing, sirens blaring. Cat and Lister are asleep in their bunks. Rimmer runs in. RIMMER: Scramble, Scramble. All hands on deck, emergency drill, scramble! Rimmer runs out again. Cat and Lister don't move. Rimmer walks back in. RIMMER: Er, perhaps you didn't catch that. I SAID SCRAMBLE! LISTER: Rimmer, it's Four O' Clock in the morning. RIMMER: Look, there's an unidentified craft heading our way. It will hit us in 9 seconds. If we don't move now, it will destroy us. Lister looks at Rimmer oddly. LISTER: Rimmer, if this is another one of your ways of getting us up out of bed for no reason, I'll turn you off. [Gets up] CAT: [Also standing up] I'll second that. There is a explosion. Everyone looks shattered. RIMMER: Is that a good enough excuse to wake you? SCENE 8: STARBUG Cockpit. Kryten at his station, Red Alert sirens blaring. The others run in and take theirs. KRYTEN: It keeps following us! RIMMER: It's going to hit us again in 12 seconds and counting. CAT: Engage reheat! [Slams a button] SCENE 9: Model Shot. G N R S C following STARBUG around, still spinning out of control. SCENE 10: STARBUG Cockpit. LISTER: It's still following us! I don't get it. KRYTEN: Wait. Here's something. The report says that they've only got two of five engines working. When in a situation like this, the ship works by itself and finds the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere or a nearby craft. LISTER: Why us? KRYTEN: We're the only craft out here who can help them. LISTER: But supposing they're killing machines? CAT: He has a point. Pause as they think this through. Pause is broken by: RIMMER: It's coming back! Impact in 20 seconds. CAT: Shoot it down! KRYTEN: Sir we can't do that! It's against the space law to shoot a craft down for no reason. RIMMER: 12 seconds! Do something! SCENE 11: G N R S C Cockpit. Crew are now coming around. SLASH: What's happened? DUFF: We must be in another dimension. MARTIN: What sort of time period? AXL: The 27th Century. SLASH: Have I changed? MARTIN: No, none of us have changed. I think we're alright. [Looks out window, expression changes] Bloody Hell Fire! [Yanks at controls] EVERYONE: Whoaa!! SCENE 12: Model Shot. G N R S C hits STARBUG again. SCENE 13: G N R S C Cockpit. DUFF: What are you doing? MARTIN: We were about to hit that ship, yet for some bizarre reason the ship didn't go the way I wanted it to. SLASH: The steering controls have packed up. MARTIN: Inserting back up power for steering. [Nothing happens] Oh great. No back up. DUFF: They've been trying reheat, but the ship keeps following. I don't understand it. MARTIN: Maybe the damage report can show us something [Presses a button and waits.] Oh God! KAY: What's wrong? MARTIN: We've lost three of our five engines! TONI: Don't you lose the ability to fly if you only have two engines working? MARTIN: Er, no Toni, you're thinking of Concorde again. DUFF: So what happens now? MARTIN: We need to dock on that ship. SCENE 14: STARBUG Cockpit. KRYTEN: Sirs, we need to help that ship. The poor souls will die. LISTER: Yes, but you can't tell if they're good or bad from here can you? [Thinks] Got it. [To Rimmer] Are they coming back? RIMMER: 14 seconds and counting. LISTER: Kryten, open the cargo bay doors. KRYTEN: Sir? LISTER: If we can get them into the cargo bay and make them crash land, we can get them out of it and help. RIMMER: If we're killed, I blame it on you. LISTER: Trust me. Kryten? KRYTEN: Opening cargo doors. SCENE 15: Model shot. G N R S C heading towards the open cargo doors of STARBUG. SCENE 16: STARBUG cockpit. LISTER: Get the timing right, everybody. SCENE 17: G N R S C Cockpit. DUFF: What are they doing?! MARTIN: They've opened their cargo doors. They've obviously figured out a way to stop us from following them. KAY: Martin, we'll die. We've got no control, we have no way on making a safe landing. AXL: Kay, it's our only chance. SLASH: He's right, we've got less choice as to how blind drunk us Gunners get. MARTIN: Closing in. Hang On! SCENE 18: STARBUG Cargo Bay. G N R S C flies in, catches the cargo bay doors and makes a crash landing on the floor, banging against the wall. SCENE 19: STARBUG Cockpit. LISTER: Yes, got them! KRYTEN: Closing Cargo Bay Doors. [Pause] Cargo Bay doors closed. LISTER: Let's get down there and see what we've caught. SCENE 20: STARBUG Cargo Bay. The wrecked ship in site. Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten make their way slowly across to it. LISTER: [shouts] Come out with your hands in the air! There is a pause. Slowly, Martin emerges from the bottom of the ship, slightly bruised. He finally pulls himself free and looks straight at the guns. LISTER: I said hands in the air!! Martin's hands go straight in the air. MARTIN: Please, let's not get hasty about this. Surely we can talk this over. Lister fires his gun in the air. Martin ducks. MARTIN: [Rising] OK, OK. We're from another dimension, we were sucked in a time hole and we lost some vital equipment. We're good guys. LISTER: Prove it! MARTIN: You want me to prove it? CAT: There's still one thing that puzzles me. MARTIN: Which is? CAT: Who's 'we'? MARTIN: I've got other people on board. Famous young rock stars, mid twenties. And two girls. LISTER: Seriously? MARTIN: Yes! CAT: Show yourselves, 'mid-twenty stars' and girls, or I'll blow up the ship and take your leader as prisoner. MARTIN: Guys, these people are not weird. Two alive, one dead and one mechonoid. Cat loads up his gun. MARTIN: I think they mean what they say. Can I at least help them out? The door's on the floor. RIMMER: Do so. No tricks, I'm a hard light hologram, I can very easily knock you out. Martin does not react to this comment. He lifts the ship as high as he can. Axl shows himself first, taking Toni. MARTIN: Just raise your hands and you'll be alright. Axl and Toni raise their hands in the air. AXL: Look we're from another dimension. The Axl Rose in your dimension cannot possibly look like me in the 27th Century. LISTER: What, Axl Rose for Guns N Roses? Probably dead by now. You can't possibly be him. Guns N Roses have no time for space travel. MARTIN: I'm gonna need those profile reports whoever's next out. Slash crawls from beneath the ground, his hair still messed up, holding folders. Kay follows. MARTIN: Just raise your hands and you'll be alright. Slash and Kay raise their hands and hold out the folders. Cat takes them. SLASH: Please guys, we're too young to die. RIMMER: Yeah yeah yeah. Spare me that crap. LISTER: [Looking in folders] No hang on Rimmer. According to these profiles, these guys are from Guns N Roses themselves! [To Martin] How do we react when we first meet famous people from another dimension? MARTIN: Shake them warmly by the hand, ask for their autograph, what you normally do. Hurry up Duff, I'm losing me grip. LISTER: There's Duff McKagan too? MARTIN: Yeah. LISTER: Anyone else? SLASH: Matt and Giby didn't like the idea of space travel. So they're back in the other dimension. LISTER: Well, in that case, can we get you anything? We haven't got much as we are low on supplies. AXL: That's perfectly alright with me. At this time, Duff has dragged himself out of the ship and walks, with his hands in the air, towards where everyone else is standing. Martin joins them. LISTER: You guys can put your hands down, we're not going to shoot you anymore. RIMMER: [hissing] Lister, what are you doing? You have no idea if this is true. LISTER: Rimmer. Shut up. SCENE 21: STARBUG Intersection. Night Lister and Axl have obviously got off really well. There are lots of empty beer cans lying around the floor. Lister and Axl, in drunken states are talking absolute gibberish, which we can't understand. SCENE 22: STARBUG Kitchen. Kryten is in the kitchen preparing more drinks. Slash and Toni are helping him. Martin enters. MARTIN: Kryten, can I have a word? KRYTEN: Sir? MARTIN: I just went through the damage reports of the ship. We need three SE38 engines as well as SE38 steering gear. I don't suppose you have spares of either? KRYTEN: We have steering gear, but no SE38 engines. SLASH: Can't we use back up power for the engines? MARTIN: What back up power? SLASH: You mean that doesn't have back up power?! MARTIN: They've only got one life. Once an engine dies, it dies. TONI: So we're stuck here? MARTIN: Yes. SLASH: But we can't go anywhere. MARTIN: Exactly. Well, Axl and Dave have hit it off really well anyway. Axl doesn't seem worried about the situation more than you two, Kay or Duff. Mainly because he's in a bad state and is obviously have such a good time to worry about it. SLASH: So what will we do? KRYTEN: [Holding a tray] I'll prepare the extra mattresses in the sleeping quarters for a while. As Kryten exits, Duff passes him, swiftly catching a falling beer on the way. He comes in and opens it. DUFF: You heard the news then? SLASH: Yeah. DUFF: Axl is looking really knackered. MARTIN: He'll be alright. Have you heard Dave play the guitar? SLASH: Oh God, tell me about it. MARTIN: That bad, is it? DUFF: Bad? If we sacked Giby and replaced him with Dave, he'd spoil the Guns N Roses altogether. Don't tell him we said that though. MARTIN: I shouldn't worry. Arnold and Cat tell him that all the time. SLASH: Yeah, but we're guitarists, we have opinions. He must really want to impress us. MARTIN: OK. We won't tell him. Martin exits. Cat enters, coughing. DUFF: I don't suppose you liked the idea of smoking then, Cat? TONI: You gave him a cigarette? DUFF: Only one of mine. Just to give him an idea on how some of us Gunners lived. CAT: Hell, no, it cramps my style. DUFF: Doesn't cramp mine. Kryten enters. KRYTEN: Sirs, Ma'am, we need the Cat at his station and someone to take over for Mr Lister. DUFF: What's wrong, Kryters? KRYTEN: We're being attacked on the Starboard bow by an unidentified craft. DUFF: This I gotta see. Duff, Kryten, Cat, Toni and Slash run out. SCENE 23: STARBUG Cockpit. Duff, Kryten, Cat, Toni and Slash run in. Cat and Kryten take their stations, Duff takes Lister's, Slash and Toni stand beside Duff and Rimmer runs in and takes his. CAT: [putting on the ship's headset] Ship from the side. KRYTEN: Half a klick from us. DUFF: Here it comes. [looks bewildered] It's too damn close! CAT: Incoming. PROBE VOICE: Property corp space removing, and equipment corp space damaging, ships corp space of series a looting with charged formerly are you. [Pause] DUFF: What? SLASH: That didn't make any sense. PROBE VOICE: Plead you do how? RIMMER: It's in reverse! 'How do you plead?' CAT: How do we plead to what? KRYTEN: It's charging us with looting space corp derelicts. TONI: But we don't loot space corp derelicts. Martin and Kay run in. MARTIN: What's going on? SLASH: We're being charged. This guy's talking to us in reverse. MARTIN: How do you mean charged? [Looks at Rimmer's panel] Oh, crap. The Space Filth. TONI: What? MARTIN: Police. KAY: Oh. CAT: What's the penalty for this charging? If it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide. KRYTEN: Er, no sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and haloes on, sir. The penalty is execution. RIMMER: Why so harsh? KRYTEN: It's frontier law sir, and we are the equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way of maintaining law and order, don't expect it to show us any mercy. SLASH: What can we do? KRYTEN: Well, let's face it Mr Slash sir, we're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll. MARTIN: [Now standing behind Cat with Kay] But if we admit it, it'll blow us sky high. RIMMER: Reccomendations? KRYTEN: Suggest I take the rap for everyone sir. You can say I held you at gunpoint and forced you to do my evil bidding. RIMMER: For god's sake, Kryten, we can't let you do that! KRYTEN: Really? RIMMER: Dream on, metal trash. Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight. PROBE VOICE: Minute one have you. DUFF: Right, we're getting outta here. Plot a course for Scarper City. KRYTEN: With respect, Mr McKagan, a class A enforcement orb can easily outrun us. DUFF: Kryten, eager female Guns N Roses fans can easily outrun us. [To Kay and Toni] No offence meant. [To Kryten] But it's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning. KRYTEN: Hmm, I was praying it wouldn't come to that, sir. MARTIN: I've an idea. Plot a course for Gelf Zone. We're 7 klicks away from it. They can't follow us in 20 years. RIMMER: No, because gelfs are untrustworthy scavengers with no regard for life, law or property. MARTIN: Right, so we'll be safe. RIMMER: [Incredulous look on his face] You've heard the stories! They skin human beings alive and turn them into bean bags! Unless you want a triple buttocked gelf sitting on your face for the rest of eternity and probing your crevices for lost forks and biros, I suggest you rethink. KAY: He's got a point, Martin. Are you sure this is a good idea? KRYTEN: It's the lesser of two evils Ma'am, in the absence of any sane plan, I suggest we go with Mr Norwood's. PROBE VOICE: Seconds 20 in firing commence will I, reply a of absence in. MARTIN: Right. Gelf Space it is. Cat, hit the reheat. CAT: You don't have to tell me twice. [Doesn't touch the console] MARTIN: Er, Cat. CAT: Sorry man, looks like you do have to tell me twice. SCENE 24: Model Shot. STARBUG racing away. PROBE VOICE: Firing commence will I or halt. SCENE 25: STARBUG Cockpit. MARTIN: In which case.... here outta arses our get let's! RIMMER: [To Kryten] Close comms. KRYTEN: Comms closed. MARTIN: Gelf zone, 6 klicks and closing. KRYTEN: Weapon lock registered. Pulse missile launched. RIMMER: Impact in 10 seconds. CAT: That's it. We're platform shoes, man. DUFF: Firing chaffe. Firing flares. KRYTEN: Brace for impact. SCENE 26: Model Shot. The missile streaks across the screen and just misses STARBUG. SCENE 27: STARBUG Cockpit. RIMMER: [Triumphantly] Missed us! DUFF: Warning shot across the bows. KRYTEN: We won't be so fortunate next time. MARTIN: 4 klicks to gelf zone. KRYTEN: Another lock, this time it won't be a warning shot. RIMMER: Incoming pulse fire. DUFF: Decoys launched. RIMMER: It's not going to be enough. 6 seconds to impact. CAT: We've got to try and shake them off. [Steers wildly form side to side throwing all of them about] SCENE 28: Model Shot. STARBUG sways from side to side as a missile streaks past, just missing, then STARBUG veers off sharply to the left as another missile closes in. SCENE 29: STARBUGCockpit. RIMMER: [Looks relieved] We've lost it! Big explosion from somewhere further back in STARBUG. Everyone thrown about, screams from the girls. RIMMER: Sorry, I was looking at the wrong panel. Everyone stares in complete disillusion at hearing this. Scene 30: Model Shot. STARBUG is engulfed in flames, most particularly from around the nose. Scene 31: STARBUG Cockpit. Lots of smoke, Martin and Slash are trying to put out a number of fires with fire extinguishers. RIMMER: Damage Report! CAT: It's bad bud, looks like Starbug's been hit. RIMMER: Details, halibut breath! CAT: Well according to the damage report machine, there's several small fires in the cockpit, lots of smoke and the navicomp's fizzing. Explosion in front of the Cat. Kay briefly shrieks. CAT: Oh damn, now the damage report machine exploded! KRYTEN: Another lock on! DUFF: This one's to finish us off. RIMMER: How far to the Gelf Zone? DUFF: Klick and a half. KRYTEN: We've lost 3 fuel tanks, there's barely enough to get us stable. CAT: Wait! I'm picking something up. DUFF: Putting it on visual. On screen we see a massive skull. RIMMER: Look at the size of that thing, it must be a mile across. KRYTEN: A Gelf icon carved out of solid rock. It must be some kind of warning beacon. DUFF: Incoming message. WARNING VOICE: Karn nes eh ping. Wah twah morah. KRYTEN: Running it through the translator. TRANSLATOR VOICE: This is gelf space. Death to the strangers. SLASH: [Quietly] Bugger. RIMMER: Pulse missile launch impact in 12 seconds and counting. MARTIN: [Pointing at the skull on the screen] Cat, head for the eye socket. CAT: The eye socket? RIMMER: There's no way through, it's a dead end. MARTIN: Just do it! RIMMER: Eight seconds. Scene 32: Model Shot. The asteroid, camera closes in on it. Scene 33: STARBUG Cockpit. CAT: [Wailing]We're heading for solid rock. RIMMER: Three seconds.. two ... one. Scene 34: Model Shot. Just as STARBUG enters the eye socket, the missile impacts on the asteroid's surface. The asteroid explodes. STARBUG emerges from the other side of the exploding rock and is engulfed in flames once more. Scene 35: STARBUG Cockpit. CAT: 80% of the maneuvering thrusters are out. RIMMER: The infrared reports 53 seperate fires. KRYTEN: The sprinkler systems are down on all 3 decks of the engine room. RIMMER: There's no way to put it out, as soon as it hits the fuel tanks we'll blow. MARTIN: [looking over Duff's shoulder] Wait a minute. Gelf moon bearing 356 by 121. It's got an ocean. [To Cat and Duff] Can you get us there? CAT: Does mouseshit roll? We'll get you there, buddy. [He and Duff take control] Scene 36: Model Shot. STARBUG crashes into a big lake. The fires on the outside of the ship go out immediately. SCENE 37: STARBUG Intersection. Lister and Axl with their heads on the table. They slowly come round. AXL: Oh, God, my head. LISTER: We must have been really whacked out. Axl turns. For the first time, we notice piles of boxes. AXL: Where the hell did this lot come from?! Martin, Kay and Slash enter, carrying more boxes. Rimmer comes in from the cockpit. MARTIN: We've had a bad landing guys. We've had the Space Filth, or Police, after our blood for looting space corp derelicts and we've crash landed on an ocean in Gelf space. Duff's out there trying to get the pumps working again. RIMMER: And all you can do Lister is get yourself and one of the guests drunk. LISTER: Rimmer, we had no idea what we were doing. AXL: Yeah, we're drinking partners buddy. RIMMER: Axl, you're from another dimension. If you go home, you won't have Lister as a drinking buddy anymore. AXL: So? SLASH: Look never mind that! Axl, we've lost our steering gear and those engines. We can't go home without either. AXL: I thought they could be re-charged. [Slash shakes his head] What, you mean we're stuck here until we can get that? MARTIN: Exactly. Duff, Toni, Kryten and Cat enter. DUFF: It's waist high down there, but I managed to get the pumps working. 3 hours, we'll be dry. RIMMER: Thrusters, boosters, reheat, auto-repair can take care of everything, except for the oxy generation unit which is totally kaputzki. SLASH: So you're saying we can take off but we can't breath? CAT: And we can't repair it? RIMMER: It's a black and charred mess, worse than one of Lister's drunken fry-ups. DUFF: Well, we're snookered. MARTIN: Unless we go out there and trade with the gelfs. RIMMER: Trade? You can't be serious. KRYTEN: Sir, it does appear to be our only option. SCENE 38: Model Shot Wide shot of STARBUG resting half in the lake. A small boat is just leaving it, heading for the shore. SCENE 39: The Lakeshore. Lister is leading the crews as they hack their way through the tall grass and reeds. He and Cat are carrying one of the chests. Suddenly, an arrow flies through the air and thuds into the chest. As they put it down, Kryten removes the arrow and looks at it. CAT: Give me the arrow! [He takes it] It could tell us a whole heck of a lot about who we're dealing with here. [Looks the arrow over, then looks up along the shaft and examines the tip.] LISTER: Anything? CAT: Yep! This sure came from a bow alright..... I was expecting to get a lot more than that. KRYTEN: [Examining the arrow again] As we anticipated, they are the Kinitawowi. Good. I have studied the dialect, they are one of the friendlier Kinteteacch, or tribes. LISTER: [Gesturing towards the arrow] Nice welcome! KRYTEN: No sir, it is a great hcanau or honour to be greeted in this manner. They would have killed us the instant we landed if they had taken exception to us. That's a very good sign. SLASH: What? It's a good sign they haven't killed us? KRYTEN: Absolutely sir, with the Kinitawowi not skinning you alive the moment they set eyes on you is one of their warmest greetings. We are indeed hcan hcasset or blessed. RIMMER: And Kryten, you are indeed a hcachum babow, or smart alec metal git. TONI: You took the words right out of my mouth. RIMMER: Did I really? We must get on very well. SCENE 40: The Kinitawowi Villiage. The crews enter and stand before a tribe of gelfs. KRYTEN: I will tell them we are traders in search of engine parts and that we have many rare treasures to trade. [Turns to the gelfs] Kinitawowi nhich nhichce histan kanoa nakoo bacoo. One of the creatures comes forward: the leader. His hood is down and his robe is open. GELF LEADER: Nuyer neeal deg dayer. SLASH: What did he just say? MARTIN: I'm guessing he said what have we got to offer? Slash opens the case and takes out a GNR T-Shirt. SLASH: Like this? MARTIN: The Kinitawowi wearing something like that? Fat Chance. LISTER: Let me try. Lister brings out a hat, cigar and trousers. He places the hat on the leader's head and the cigar in his mouth. KRYTEN: Sir, might I suggest you stop now. Some kinitawowi are extremely touchy. Let's hope you've not offended him. The gelf does not react. KRYTEN: No, he seems perfectly happy. LISTER: [To leader] We need a oxy generation unit and some steering gear and three SE38 engines. Savy? KRYTEN: Agi gan bachwoo machuwahwah The gelf leader beckons them to follow. GELF LEADER: Alees tada. LISTER: Cat, get the case man. SCENE 41: The Kiinitawowi Gelf Hut. It is quite cramped with all of them in there. There is a fire in the middle of the hut. The crew are sat on one side and the gelfs on the other. The gelf leader, who is talking to one of the other gelfs, has a strange creature in one arm. It is not too dissimilar to the alien from Aliens only a lot smaller. The gelf leader is feeding this creature. KRYTEN: It seems to be going well. DUFF: What is that thing? KRYTEN: It's an emohawk sir. A polymorph that is spayed at birth and is half domesticated. It's trained to change shape at it's owners behest [Emohawk changes to a rabbit...] like all polymorphs [...then a standard lamp...] it's an emotional leech, it has the ability to [...and back to an emohawk] steal emotions from living creatures. Emotions are a highly valued trading commodity. A gelf appears, carrying an O/G Unit, a small box of steering gear and a three smaller boxes. LISTER: Ah, the oxygeneration unit. MARTIN: SE38 engines and Steering gear. KRYTEN: Looks like they are ready to fix a price. RIMMER: I thought we'd already fixed a price with all the bangles and baubles we'd given them. KRYTEN: Oh no sir, that was just for the honour of entering their watunga, or hut. The bartering proper begins now. GELF LEADER: [Tapping at the equipment] Rec raht wig dig ana tut pata. [Gestures towards Lister and Axl] KRYTEN: Oh dear. LISTER: What? [Pulls at his hat. To Leader] What, you want our hats? GELF LEADER: Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah. [Again gestures at the equipment and then towards Lister and Axl] AXL: Oh, our jackets? [Pulls at his jacket] You want our jackets? KRYTEN: No sir, he doesn't want your jackets. LISTER: He doesn't want our trousers does he? KRYTEN: Not the trousers either sir. LISTER: Well what then? GELF LEADER: Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah. LISTER: Us! [To Kryten] He wants us? KRYTEN: Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxy generation unit and Mr Norwood's equipment unit he wants you and Mr Rose to be his daughter's mates. Close up of two gelfs with longing look in their eyes AXL: You what?!?! LISTER: Those are his daughters? KRYTEN: Two of three. Apparently sirs they're the lookers. Close up on gelfs again. They rub their faces in that sexy sort of way. LISTER: Tell him, not if they were the last water yeti lookalikes in the world and we were the only boys. AXL: Add 'Get Stuffed' to that. RIMMER: Come on, Lister, you've dated worse. LISTER: Only due to very poor disco lighting. GELF LEADER: Ana beg ewitah og iy con nich kawal bah. KRYTEN: He says: no wedding, no equipment. The Gelfs rise to leave. GELF LEADER: [As they leave] Panta anag ew, panta wa ah. KRYTEN: Hmm yes, he's giving us 5 hanaka to decide. SLASH: How long's a hanaka? KRYTEN: Curiously enough it's exactly the same as one Earth minute. CAT: 5 hanaka! That only gives us 28 hours. LISTER: OK, let's get out our sheet music and play the real waltz. There is no way we am going down to Moss Bros for anyone who is less attractive than my own armpit after 20 games of table-tennis. AXL: And there's no way I'm marrying something that reminds me of my backside. RIMMER: What about us? You're not going to hang all of us out to dry just because for some reason they don't hit your G-spots. What about sacrifice? Putting your friends interests before your own selfish drives. LISTER: Rimmer, it would never work out. They're obviously Aries, and me and Aries, forget it. KAY: Look, guys, you don't have any choice! KRYTEN: She's right sirs, they are proud people and will not change their minds unless you are prepared to stay here and marry Hackhackhack ach hachhachach and Hackhackhack. LISTER: Those are their names? I could never settle down with anyone who's name sounds like a footballer clearing his nose. CAT: The plan is obvious. We do the trades, you go through with the wedding, once everybody is asleep, we come back and rescue you. What do you say? LISTER: Not a chance in hell! AXL: And I say get stuffed. I will not go through with this. SCENE 42: The Kinitawowi Wedding Watunga. The gelf leader is conducting the ceremony. Pan across to Lister and Axl and their brides. The gelfs have flowers and ribbons in their hair. Lister and Axl have flower chains around their hats. Both are looking very pissed off, mainly because Toni and Rimmer are humming 'November Rain' during the cemerony. GELF LEADER: Ana dok kaz, ana dok wah, hea. LISTER: [Smiling weakly] We do. GELF LEADER: Ana zun keh, [Clenches his arms together] zun keh atta. AXL: [To Kryten] What's he saying? KRYTEN: Erh, you may kiss the bride sir. LISTER: [Turns to his bride] What, without a bag? The brides grabs Lister and Axl and embrace them with a passion. As they let go, Kryten and Duff throw confetti over them. The gelfs throw their bouquets of flowers up and they are caught by Rimmer and Slash. Even uglier gelfs smile and wave dainty waves at them. Rimmer quickly stuffs his bouquet into Cat's hands, while Slash throws his on the ground. Lister and Axl are lifted off the ground by their `wives' and as they are carried off screen Lister calls: LISTER: Don't be strangers guys. See ya soon. Any time, any time. KRYTEN: [To the gelf leader] Hcanibey yech, onigon yech. They bow to each other and then appear to go to shake hands but instead they both lean further forwards around the others back to grab the foot they have each raised and they then shake feet. They come back and bow again. Kryten then bows to the other gelf, who gives him the equipment. The crews leave with the nesscary equipment [no order] and bow to the gelfs as they pass. SCENE 43: Kinitawowi Honeymoon Hut. Lister is carried in by his bride. She drops him onto the bed and lays on top of him. LISTER: [Nervous voice] Well darling, what a day. I'm pooped. Straight to sleep for me. Lister tries to pull the blanket over himself but the gelf stops him. GELF: Nee bonnen nic parnin.[She strokes his face] LISTER: Maybe in the morning, goodnight.[Pulls the blanket up, The gelf pulls the blanket back down.] You've been looking forward to this, haven't you? You're not going to take no for an answer?! GELF: Nack hey. LISTER: OK, just give me a couple of minutes. I want to slip into something a little more comfortable.... it's called Starbug. Lister gets up and heads for the door. SCENE 44: Inside the Villiage. Lister gets out and closes the door. He calls very quietly into the other hut: LISTER: Axl? Axl? Are you alright in there? Axl emerges from the other Honeymoon hut. AXL: Just give me a few minutes, sweetheart. [Closes the door]. Ughh... LISTER: Is yours after you? AXL: She's all over me. LISTER: Let's get outta here. AXL: Yeah, like I say, no gelf is gonna be the bride of Axl Rose. They depart. SCENE 45: Kinitawowi Villiage. The crews are just leaving the village. Suddenly Lister and Axl appear in the background running very fast. LISTER: CHANGE OF PLAN!! AXL: LEG IT!!!!!!! [They shoot past at top speed. There is a small pause.] RIMMER: Well what do we do now then? MARTIN: [looking back] Isn't it obvious? Duff, catch! [throws steering gear at Duff, which he catches, and takes Kay in his arms] RUN FOR IT!!!!! He runs off, followed by [in order] Duff, Kryten, Cat, Slash [carrying Toni] and Rimmer. Further back in the village the gelfs come out of their huts.[Note: This next bit is subtitled] LISTER'S GELF: He's left me on my wedding night. Men! They're all bastards. GELF LEADER: They've taken the drives. No-one steals from the kinitawowi. [To the emohawk] Fly my beauty, feast on their emotions, drain them dry. [He releases the emohawk] SCENE 46: Woods. The crew are hastily walking through the woods. Martin and Slash have put the girls down by now. CAT: Wait! Somethings coming. KRYTEN: Aah! It's the emohawk! [Screaching and flapping sounds. Then the noises stop. All look around warily. Duff picks up a big stick.] LISTER: What happened? Where did it go? KRYTEN: It must have transmuted into something else. I suggest we proceed with extreme caution. [They creep along cautiously.] CAT: It's somewhere close. I can smell it. DUFF: [Still wielding stick] IT'S THE STICK! [They all scream, but the stick is still a stick] No no no, no it's not. Oh god, I'm really jumpy, I thought it was the stick. [Goes to drop stick and it morphs into the emohawk] IT IS THE STICK!! ALL: AAAGHHH! [They panic and Duff tosses the emohawk away. Lister's hat falls off, as do Axl's sunglassess] RIMMER: Where is it now? KRYTEN: It's gone off into the undergrowth. Lister retrieves his hat and puts it on. Axl retrieves his sunglasses. They move off. LISTER: Cat, you know what they're like. Stay on the case. Don't pick anything up.[To himself] Unbelievable getting suckered like that. 100 percent concentration at all times. CAT: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The move on catiously. Martin, Slash, Toni, Kay and Axl are at the back of the party. Suddenly there is a small crack. Martin looks down. MARTIN: Oh. [Bends down to pick something up] Hey Axl, you dropped your sunglasses. [Shows them to Axl, then realises that Axl is wearing sunglasses, exactly identical to the ones he's picked up] May I? [Takes off Axl's sunglasses. Kay turns a torch on, just as the sunglasses morph to the emohawk. He screams with alarm, as does everyone else, and throws it away.] SLASH: Where's it gone now?! [picking up his hat] AXL: It's alright now. It's gone. Martin, Toni, Kay and Axl go ahead. Slash looks around and his hat changes to the emohawk and back to his hat again. SCENE 47: STARBUG Intersection. The crews enter, in order, Kryten, carrying the O/G unit, Rimmer and Cat, carrying a deflated rubber dinghy, Martin, now carrying the engines, Kay, Axl and Duff, carrying the steering gear, Toni, Slash and Lister, who seals the outer doors. LISTER: [As he removes his hat and places it on the stack of crates, as does Slash] That's it: we're airtight. Damn thing can't get in now. [Turns to Cat] And all it took was a little bit of concentration. RIMMER: How long before we can go? We don't really want a visit from Listy's in-laws demanding their wedding present back. KRYTEN: It'll take an hour or so to get the oxy generation unit set up, but suggest we take off now sir and use emergency supplies until the O/G unit's on line. RIMMER: What if it doesn't work? KRYTEN: Then The Cat, Mr Lister, Mr Norwood, Mr Rose, Mr Slash, Mr McKagan, Ma'am Mason and Ma'am Theodoru will choke to death. RIMMER: A plan with six drawbacks. All exit to the cockpit. The emohawk changes into a hen and moves off into the kitchen. SCENE 48: Model Shot. STARBUG lifts off from the surface. SCENE 49: STARBUG Cockpit. LISTER: Time we fitted that O/G unit. Kryters! KRYTEN: I'm on my way sir. MARTIN: Time we fitted our stuff too. Volunteer? SLASH: Down with you man. KAY: Hang on. I'm coming too. They leave the cockpit. CAT: That smell's still driving me crazy. I've gotta wash my hands. Transfering to auto.[Flips a switch and leaves the cockpit.] DUFF: Hang about. I feel like a drink. [Exits] SCENE 50: STARBUG Intersection. Kay, Martin and Slash have already disappeared. Lister and Kryten are just leaving with the O/G unit. Cat and Duff enter and cross to... SCENE 51: STARBUG kitchen. The emohawk is on one of the work surfaces, still in a hen form. It changes into a can of beer. Cat enters, and washes his hands, sniffing the air. Duff enters and looks for the fridge. He then spies the beer can on the table. DUFF: That's funny. I don't recall seeing that brand of beer before. [Pause] For God's sake, it's beer isn't it? [Picks it up] As Duff pulls the can ring, the can changes into the emohawk. Duff cries with alarm, but the cry dies down when a tentacle slaps on his forehead. Cat tries to catch the emohawk, but a second tentacle gets the Cat too. The emohawk changes to a frog and it leaps in the air. As it does so, it turns into a paper aeroplane... SCENE 52: STARBUG Cockpit ...which is seen floating into the cockpit and landing on Rimmer's console. Rimmer screws it up and throws it on the floor with a despairing look. Axl is seated in Kryten's chair. He picks up the screwed up aeroplane. AXL: Duff must be flying paper aeroplanes again. [Chucks it] Wonder where he gets the paper from? SCENE 53: STARBUG Intersection. Toni is sitting at the table, painting her nails [for the 8th time] while reading a magazine. We then hear groans of Duff and Cat. Toni looks up. TONI: Are you guys alright? [stands] SCENE 54: STARBUG Kitchen. We can't see Cat or Duff - they are below the level of the work surface - but we can hear them. CAT: It's stolen my cool, it's taken all my style. Toni enters and stops in shock. Cat's hands appear on the work surface, as does one of Duff's, then they pull themselves up and we see... Duane Dibbley and Duff with purple hair. During this next bit, Duff tries to get himself together. CAT: I need a mirror.[Goes to one of the wall cupboards, opens it and hits his head with the door.] I got no grace, no elan, no poise. [He opens another door and everything falls out of the cupboards] What's it turned us into? [Duff picks up a saucepan and uses the base as a mirror.] DUFF: [shocked] Oh God, NOOO!! Not a 70s punk! [To Cat] My God! CAT: What? [Looks into saucepan] DUANE DIBBLEY?! AAARRRGGHH!!! TONI: What happened?! DUFF: The emohawk... SCENE 55: STARBUG Intersection AXL: [Emerging from the cockpit] Will you guys keep the noise down? What's up with you anyway? CAT: [Enters with Duff and Toni] Look what it did to us, it's turned me into Duane Dibbley - the Duke of Dork! DUFF: And it's turned me into a Punk!! TONI: [Frightened] Axl, this thing is anywhere! AXL: [Looking shocked] Arnold! Rimmer enters. AXL: Arnold, the emohawk's on board Starbug!! Look! [gestures to Cat and Duff] RIMMER: Oh my god. Where is it? CAT: We lost it, it came in here somewhere. RIMMER: [To Cat] Can you smell it? CAT: The only scent I'm getting is extra strong spot cream and the dandruff shampoo that doesn't work. RIMMER: It could be anywhere, it could be anything. Trust nothing. [Picks up gun from on top of the stack of crates.] It may have outsmarted you guys, but it's going to have to get up pretty darn early in the AM to outsmart Arnie J. [Prowls around the room with the gun held ready] CAT: Is that a new gun? I don't recall seeing it before. [To Toni] Is it yours? TONI: I've never see that in my life. [Pause] AXL: The gun! Arnold, the emohawk's that gun! [Rimmer runs to the trash unit, stuffs the gun in and flushes it] RIMMER: God that was close. CAT: I hope you're right, 'cos if you're not, we just flushed away our only gun. RIMMER: Just leave the thinking to us, keyboard teeth. SCENE 56: STARBUG Cockpit. Rimmer, Toni and Axl enter. Rimmer jabs at a button on the comms console. RIMMER: Lister, Kryten, the Cat was right. We had brought the emohawk on board, but lucky for you guys old iron buck, Toni and Axl were around to sort it out..... that's weird, there's something wrong with this microphone. [Taps a few more buttons] It's not transmitting. Two suckers comes into shot from the console and slap right on Toni and Rimmer. They slide down out of shot. Axl in fear runs out to... SCENE 57: STARBUG Intersection. Axl runs through and stops. CAT: [To Axl] Are you OK sir? RIMMER: [Out of view]It's removing my bitterness, taking my negativity, slurping out all my snidieness. Cut to a close up on the steps down from the cockpit, a slinky [One of those big spring things kids play with] is coming down the steps. It reaches the bottom and turns into a remote control car. As the remote control car passes Axl, he jumps on it in a hope to kill it. As he lands on it, the car changes to the emohawk and gets Axl, who shrieks with alarm. When the emohawk finishes it's business, it changes back to the remote control car which drives across the rest of the room and turns back into a slinky which leaves by the steps to the rest of STARBUG. CAT: It's gone now sir, it's OK to come out. Ace Rimmer and Toni, who looks paralysed, emerge from the cockpit. Axl stands and he now looks like a 1930s man, complete with moustache, bowler hat and stick. RIMMER: Alright, old man? Looks like we all bought a bite from the blighter. Let's track it down before it harms Kryters, Dave, Slash, Kay or Martin. I'm afraid this means death for all of us, but that's a small price to pay to save our chummies, eh? CAT: What a guy. Listen, before we leave I just gotta change these clothes. If I don't get into some sideways ironed flares and transparent plastic sandles, I swear I'll go crazy. RIMMER: Do what you have to old chum. I'll go tell them we're having a party. AXL: [In a really snotty voice] I've got to go and get ready too. TONI: [tries to speak but can't] SCENE 58: STARBUG Engine Room Lister and Kryten are installing the O/G unit. We hear a 'clunk' LISTER: What was that? KRYTEN: The hydraulic lock sir, we're sealed in. LISTER: [Tapping at the door panel] It won't override. The view screen comes on and Rimmer appears. RIMMER: I've sealed you in the engine room, Dave. Afraid me, Cat, Duff, Toni and Axl have taken a bit of a nip from the emohawk. LISTER: You what? It's on board? RIMMER: It's taken my bitterness, Toni's voice and everyone else's cool. They're in a hell of a shape - they're looking so geeky they probably couldn't even get into a science fiction convention. Or even go on stage. KRYTEN: And the emohawk is still on the loose? RIMMER: We've got it pinned down in the obs room. LISTER: Well let us in, you need all the help you can get. RIMMER: No-one I'd rather have with me in a fracas, Dave, but you're the last human being alive, old love, and frankly you're just too damn valuable to risk. Only one way to guarantee victory for the home eleven: I'm going to open the airlock. Suck the little perisher out into deep space. KRYTEN: But sir, that would also kill you, the Cat, Mr McKagan, Miss Mason and Mr Rose! RIMMER: They won't suffer, Kryters; I'll kill them when they're not looking. Won't feel a thing. Believe me, they'd want it this way. KRYTEN: But sir, if we could capture the creature we could extract the DNA strands and re-inject all of you. Restore your former personalities. RIMMER: Too risky Krytey. Anyway, I don't think I could face becoming him again. Everyone has his limits. Fellas, smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. The screen blanks. SCENE 59: G N R S C Engine Room. Martin and Slash have finished installing their equipment. Kay runs in. KAY: Guys, we've got a problem. MARTIN: [standing with a spanner in his hand. Slash also stands] What's wrong babe? KAY: My best friend, Axl, Duff, Cat and Arnold are about to die. SLASH: How? KAY: They're about to suck the emohawk into deep space and kill themselves! MARTIN: What?!?! [drops the spanner and Slash yelps with pain] The emohawk's on board?! KAY: Yes, somehow, don't ask me how. Dave and Kryten are coming down with a bazookoid to get us out. We need to move now. MARTIN: Well let's get going then! Kay, Slash and Martin exit quickly, Slash hobbling. SCENE 60: STARBUG Intersection. Rimmer is placing a watch on his wrist. Toni stands with him. Axl appears with a very posh suitcase and a stick. Duff appears with a very sad 70s bag. RIMMER: Ready chums? AXL: Whenever you are old chap. DUFF: Wallet, hair sprays, walkman and a full jar of Nescafe coffee. Ready mate. Cat enters in full Dibbley clothing. RIMMER: Ready old chum? CAT: [Seems nervous] Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart and one triple thick condom! [pause for the nesscary laugh] You never know! RIMMER: OK fellas, let's step into the airlock and get part 2 of the plan underway. CAT: Oh, what plan is this? RIMMER: Just step in there, fellas. [Toni, Cat, Duff and Axl do so and Rimmer steps in after] AXL: So, what precisely is the plan dear sir? RIMMER: I think you'll find it a little more comfortable if you stand in front of me, Duane. DUFF: Why are we in this airlock? RIMMER: Just relax fellas. I'm sending Duane on ahead. CAT: I'm the scout party? We hear an explosion, like some-one blasting a door down. Lister, Kryten, Kay, Martin and Slash enter. RIMMER: Dave, you crazy fool. We're all set to save your bacon, there's no need for you to sling your love spuds on the barbeque. Martin, Kay and Slash are looking at Cat, Rimmer, Axl, Toni and Duff in surprise. MARTIN: What the hell! SLASH: What the hell's it done to you all? DUFF: It turned me into a punk. MARTIN: And Axl? AXL: Don't worry, dear sir, I'm alright. SLASH: That is not you at all Axl. [Martin splutters with laughter] KAY: Toni, are you alright? CAT: She can't speak, Ma'am. KAY: What?! [Martin stops spluttering, growing serious] KRYTEN: Sirs, Misses, our best chance is to tackle the emohawk together. LISTER: Yeah, one squirt of liquid dillinium, it'll freeze it exactly where it stands in whatever shape it's in. RIMMER: OK fellas, let's go. SCENE 61: STARBUG Observation Room. They enter and find a hole in the floor. RIMMER: Looks like it's lasered it's way back into the engine rooms. Probably looking for you four gents and the young lady, let's go. They all move out. SCENE 62: STARBUG Engine room. Rimmer kicks the door in and they all file in after him. Rimmer, Lister and Slash are carrying bazookoids, Kryten, Martin and Kay are carrying somewhat smaller guns and Toni, Cat, Duff and Axl are still carrying their possessions. KRYTEN: According to the psi scan it's somewhere in this location. SLASH: [looking around a little nervously] IT'S THE BARREL! [Blasts away, with little result, suddenly a little embarressed] Sorry, false alarm. [They move forward a little further, still nervously looking about.] LISTER: That chain, [Points bazookoid at a chain hanging from the ceiling] IT'S MOVING!! [Blasts away at the chain with about as much result as last time.] Sorry. MARTIN: Guys, Calm Down! I know this is so frightening but it's essential that we keep our cool and MOTHERFUCKER IT'S THE WALL!! [Blasts away at the wall for a few seconds with no apparent effect.] See what I mean? LISTER: This is impossible, how can we find something that can disguise itself as anything? How can we lure it out? RIMMER: Worry ye not Davey boy, it'll strike soon enough. They search on a bit more. [Order] Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, Martin, Slash, Axl, Kay, Toni, Cat, and Duff at the rear, whistling. Duff has his bag on his shoulder and his coffee in one hand. Duff then stops and looks down, puts the coffee in his right hand. DUFF: Oops, dropped my coffee. [Picks up another jar of coffee and as he stands again he looks from hand to hand and realises he now has two jars of Nescafe. He has a puzzled expression on his face, then it turns into a frightened one] Er, excuse me. Hello. People, I think we have a suspect. [He holds out the second coffee jar which changes into the emohawk.] AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! [throws both his arms around it] I've got it! [Disappears from view momentarily...] I've got it! [and again, but now he's holding a hand grenade] Oh, it turned into a grenade, but I've got it! SLASH: Duff, throw it away! MARTIN: Duff, that thing's gonna blow up in your hands!! DUFF: I can't throw, I throw like a idiot! RIMMER: Just chuck it! Rimmer, Lister, Kryten, Martin, Kay and Slash all have weapons at the ready, while Cat, Toni and Axl stand, looking frightened. Duff throws the grenade in the air and it lands at his feet. Literally. LISTER: It's gonna blow! RIMMER: Leave this to me guys! [Throws himself on the grenade] Smoke me a kipper, I'll be...[A small explosion of some sort goes off under Rimmer. He rolls off and grabs the emohawk and holds it out at arms length] Freeze it Davey Boy! Lister sprays a cylinder over it as Rimmer drops it onto the floor. The emohawk is frozen solid. KRYTEN: But, sir how did you know it wouldn't damage your hard light drive? RIMMER: Didn't Kryters, just trying to protect you chaps. Lister gives Cat the cylinder and they all start to walk away. KRYTEN: Well sir, better get you back to normal. RIMMER: Would it be possible for me to stay like this for another 24 hours before I have to return as that [spits] ghastly maggot? KRYTEN: It's the least we can do to thank you sir. And you, Sirs, Ma'am, would you like to stay as you are? DUFF: No way, it's no fun being a punk. AXL: Quite frankly dear sir, I would not like to stay like this if my life depended on it. CAT: Suck my thermos! I hate being the prince of dorkness, you never know when the next clutzy thing's going to...[He accidently sets off the dillinium cannister spraying the others, which freezes them to the spot.] Oop... What a Dibbley! He taps everyone on the head as we cue theme tune and: RUN CREDITS PART 1 OF ?